Hi Ruth,
I’d love to know how you ask people about money. You often encourage people to be curious about finances and learn from how others manage theirs, but it still feels like a taboo subject. Asking can seem too personal, inappropriate, or nosy. Whether it’s an acquaintance, colleague, family member or close friend, I struggle to bring up money and learn how other people approach their finances. How do you start those conversations?
I often amaze myself with the conversations I have about money in unlikely places.
Walking my dog yields particularly good results. A well-behaved dog and a friendly owner put people at ease. Whatever the reason, strangers have told me financial tales so juicy that they have finished by swearing me to secrecy. I have kept those secrets.
Which tells me something important: talking about money isn’t just about finding the perfect opening line. It is about making people feel safe enough to talk.
I understand your hesitation. Money can feel deeply personal. Asking about someone’s salary, mortgage balance, or KiwiSaver account out of nowhere can seem nosy. But useful money conversations rarely begin with, “How much have you got?” They begin with curiosity about how someone thinks, what they have learned, and why they made a particular decision.
If you are not comfortable having these conversations in person, begin online.
Groups such as PocketSmith Pals and the New Zealand Rebel Finance School Facebook pageallow people to ask questions and hear from others interested in money. The answers vary in quality, just as a colleague’s would, but the difference is that people in an online money group have chosen to be there. Asking questions is the whole point. No one thinks you are being nosy.
Much like practising Spanish at home before ordering a drink in a Spanish-speaking country, an online group lets you practise the language of money before trying it in the wild with your friends. You soon discover that the thing you were embarrassed not to know is something many others are wondering about, too.
While jotting down ideas to help answer your question, I visited that Rebel Finance School page. A question posted four hours earlier began, “Hi team. Total newbie here. Can someone provide me with the link for X? I can’t find it anywhere. Thanks!”
Someone supplied the link almost immediately, and others added information. Nobody mocked her, shut her down, or told her she should already know. Her curiosity was welcomed. I have attended many personal finance events where people who first met online later formed friendships in real life.
Speaking of real life, there are personal finance groups that meet in person all over the country. Search ChooseFI to find a group in your area, and if you can’t find one, I encourage you to start one. This is exactly what I did in my hometown. My struggle is not getting people to come; it is getting them to leave after 2-3 hours of talking about money!
But how do you begin to talk about money with the people already around you?
First, be interested in them.
My dad taught me a simple trick: people love to talk about themselves. When I meet someone, I often spend much of the conversation subtly asking about their favourite topic: them. I am not firing questions like an interviewer; I am listening for small details that invite another question. Money conversations often emerge through ordinary life. These are wee chinks of light that you can explore further.
For example, just last week I was in a local shop, and the assistant, whom I vaguely know, mentioned she was going overseas. Out of curiosity, I asked how she made payments overseas. Was it a debit or credit card? Or a Wise card or some other way? Off she went, explaining in detail. It was interesting.
I didn’t then charge in with a lecture on overseas payments; I simply asked, “What made you choose that provider?” Questions about process feel less intrusive than questions about numbers. “How did you decide?” is easier to answer than “How much money do you have?”
Sharing a little about yourself helps, too. You might be speaking with a colleague and say, “I’ve been reviewing our grocery spending and was surprised by what we spend. Do you keep track of yours?” That makes it an exchange rather than an interrogation. You can also ask permission: “Can I ask you a money question?” If they hesitate, leave it there.
The next skill is discretion.
I learned the importance of financial privacy the hard way, long before The Happy Saver existed. I knew a woman who had won several thousand dollars. A few weeks later, I mentioned it to her daughter, assuming it must be public knowledge. Her daughter then went to her mother asking for money. The mother gave me a sharp and painful rebuke. I deserved it. I shared information that wasn’t mine to share, without understanding the consequences.
I have never forgotten that lesson. If somebody trusts you with their financial life, keep the conversation to yourself. People may speak openly precisely because they believe the information will stop with you. Ask good questions, listen carefully, and don’t share that information.
The third skill is not judging and not rushing to fix things. Fixing things is a habit I am still trying to suppress, but asking the question, “Do you want me to listen, or fix this?” has been super helpful.
Unless someone specifically asks for my thoughts, I no longer leap in to solve a problem they may not even believe exists. Nor do I judge them for the position they are in. We all arrive where we are using the information, experiences, and resources available to us.
I used to leave conversations thinking, “Right, fixed that up okay.” These days, I am more likely to walk away mulling them over, applying parts to my own life, and looking at the situation from every angle. Talking about money is interesting even when nobody leaves with an action plan. Instead of saying, “You should…”, I am more likely to ask, “How did you arrive at that decision?” or “Have you thought about this alternative?” One tells somebody what to do. The other respects that the decision belongs to them.
You also have to be realistic. You will never talk about money with everyone. Finding people in your circle who enjoy it can require almost Venn-diagram precision. Among all their interests, you are looking for the few who also have “likes talking about money” somewhere in the overlap.
But those people are there. I’m a natural connector, and I love bringing together two people who should be friends but haven’t quite found each other yet. Just last month, two women separately told me they wanted someone local to their area to talk about money with. I connected them and introduced them — and it turned out they lived on the same cul-de-sac!
So, begin online if that feels safer, get used to asking the questions you seek answers to, and then notice the openings that appear in everyday life. Be open, be interested, and listen more than you speak. Do not judge, do not immediately rush to fix, and never repeat a financial story that was not yours to tell.
If you do those things well, you may find that money is not quite as taboo as it first appeared. Often, the person standing in front of you has been hoping to have exactly the same conversation!
Got a burning money question for Ruth? Send them through to [email protected]!
Ruth blogs at thehappysaver.com all about how she and her family handle money. What’s the secret? Spend less than you earn, invest the difference, avoid debt and budget each dollar that flows through your hands. She firmly believes that if you can just get the basics right, life becomes easier from there on in.
