Hi Ruth,
I’m in my early 40s, and I keep dodging anything to do with money. Budgets, bank apps, even a simple “let’s talk bills” make my chest tighten. I promise myself I’ll look tomorrow, then avoid it again. It’s a shame — I feel I should have this sorted — and the overwhelm when I see numbers I don’t fully understand. I’m not reckless, but the admin paralyses me. What’s a gentle first step, and how do I stop the shame from running the show?
Dirty dishes. Cleaning the toilet. Grocery shopping. Public speaking.
These are all things I’ll try to put off until tomorrow, next week, or forever if I thought no one would notice.
But the consequences of my neglect are visible. Dishes piled on every surface cause me shame if someone comes over. It gets even more embarrassing if they ask to use the bathroom. And there certainly won’t be home baking or a charcuterie board on offer if I just couldn’t summon the enthusiasm to get to the shops. Public speaking is easy to avoid — I politely say, “no thank you”— but then kick myself for feeling afraid of doing the one thing I never stop doing: talking.
Money can be the same. When we avoid it, it quietly piles up in the background until the mess becomes impossible to ignore.
We were not taught how to handle money properly. Yes, our parents might have given us a few money lessons along the way, but nothing as consistent as the hours they spent teaching us to drive or cook. Meaning that the majority of us learned by trial and error, and while some things turned out great (and you found yourself actually on your dream holiday), others went well off track (you crashed your car but had forgotten to pay the insurance premiums).
“Adulting” is hard work. Numbers can feel like a report card on how well you’re doing, which is a heavy load to carry. Add in mortgages, relationships, kids, and work, and money admin feels like one job too many. And of this list, money management is the one thing that you can keep to yourself — until you can’t.
Shame thrives in secrecy. The less you look, the bigger it feels. But here’s the thing: the minute you start to peek behind the curtain, the fear loses its bite. Whether it’s public speaking or facing your finances today, let’s both of us feel the fear and freaking well do it anyway!
We have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.
Being “good with money” doesn’t mean colour-coded spreadsheets or understanding every investment term. It simply means being aware.
Sorted means you know roughly what comes in, what goes out, and where it’s all headed. That’s it. Big picture thinking, in many instances, is enough.
Forget perfection, aim for curiosity and ask yourself a money question:
Swap “I should have this sorted by now” for “I’m learning about my money by asking myself questions.” That slight language shift removes blame and replaces it with progress.
Start with the smallest possible action. Log in to your online banking and just have a good old scroll and a look about. And while you are there, write down your login details somewhere, so they are handy to get to for next time.
Then stop. Don’t analyse, don’t fix. Just observe. How many accounts do you have? Is there much going on in each one?
You’re proving to yourself that looking at your money won’t break you. Awareness is the foundation of every good financial habit. Once you can face the numbers, you can start to understand them.
Think about it this way. It’s like you joined a game of Jenga halfway through, when you had no input into how the tower was constructed. Clearly, it’s going to take you some time to comprehend what you are even looking at. Take your time.
Approach your money like a scientist, not a critic. Scientists like dealing with facts. Every transaction is a fact.
Instead of “Why am I so bad at this?”, try “I wonder where my money actually goes?” You will find yourself following threads of transactions, each triggering a memory of what prompted it.
Every transaction tells a story and reveals what you value, what you prioritise, and what makes you happy. You’re not a failure for buying takeaways; you’re a human managing energy and time. But by noticing, you can choose whether to repeat that behaviour or that expense.
I’m known for saying that we all make mistakes, just try not to repeat them. You get to choose.
Money done well is simple, and you can create simple systems so you don’t have to rely on willpower.
When money management becomes routine, it stops being scary. The more you engage, the more you will realise that much like you have a morning routine of getting yourself out the door to work — without fuss — managing your personal finances can be the same. You’ve built it up in your head that it’s a big deal when it’s not. You’ve given it more power than it really deserves.
Money shame loves secrecy, so break its hold on you by talking about it. You said, “Let’s talk bills,” which suggests you already have someone ready and waiting to discuss it.
Don’t sit down face-to-face, go for a walk side by side instead, and tell your friend or partner, “I’m trying to get better with money.” Chances are, they’ll say, “Same.”
Start small. Don’t announce, “Let’s overhaul our budget.” Instead, ask, “Can we check one thing together?”
Conversations build accountability and normalise the topic. Money stops being a monster under the bed once you shine a light on it.
Ask for them to literally and figuratively walk beside you, with you, and at your pace. Gently explain that you want to learn, with guidance, and that you learn from practical hands-on ‘doing’, not lectures. You get to dictate the speed.
I didn’t take to cleaning up straight away. No amount of nagging made me want to do it. It took years of doing it, and realising that I felt better about my home and myself once it was clean.
So, you don’t have to love managing money right away. But you can learn to appreciate the reward of knowing you’re in control. Just like cleaning or grocery shopping, it’s part of adult life. You don’t have to adore it; you just have to do it anyway. But here’s the twist: the more you do it, the better it feels.
When I manage my money well, it empowers me. It rewards me by moving me into a far stronger financial position, allowing me to do more of what I love. And I’ve realised that in life, there are things we just have to be grown-ups about; dishes, toilets, shopping, and yes, money.
You can stop at tolerance. That is okay. Or, you can rewire your brain and learn to love it. Because money, when managed well, gives you freedom, choices, and calm.
Money is not a test you pass or fail. There is no beginning or end to it.
Every time you open your app, review a bill, or have a money chat, you’re rewriting your money story.
Avoidance shrinks. Confidence grows.
With small doses of focused attention each day, week, month, and year, you will grow accustomed to giving your money the attention it deserves, and you will rewire your money mindset. Just be gentle, calm, consistent and overall, insistent that you’ve got this. That’s how you go from overwhelm to calm.
Got a burning money question for Ruth? Send them through to [email protected]!
Ruth blogs at thehappysaver.com all about how she and her family handle money. What’s the secret? Spend less than you earn, invest the difference, avoid debt and budget each dollar that flows through your hands. She firmly believes that if you can just get the basics right, life becomes easier from there on in.
