Hi Ruth,
My son, who is in his early 30s, has been struggling financially since moving out on his own. I want to support him, but I also worry that too much help will prevent him from learning to manage his money. I’ve covered some of his expenses here and there, but I’m unsure where to draw the line. He’s working, but his budget is tight, and I don’t want him to feel like he’s failing. How can I provide financial help in a way that supports his independence without enabling dependency?
Given that he has recently moved out on his own, I think it’s fair and kind to continue to parent your son, whether by checking in on him, offering support and guidance when asked, or sometimes giving money. I like your motivation to support his independence and help him succeed.
My first question is whether you taught him how to manage money before he left home. Leaving home knowing how to budget their income to pay rent, utility bills, food, investing, and entertainment should mean they have most of the needed skills. When a new financial situation crops up, they should be able to adapt their skills to solve the problem for themselves. That’s the goal!
If your son lacks these basic financial skills and is asking for your help, I’d support and teach him now. I know hundreds of people who didn’t start to understand their personal finances until well into their 30s, and the missing piece was basic and straightforward information about money. Since he’s facing real-life situations, he will learn quickly and should be able to stabilise his situation within months. It may also be that you are feeling uncertain about money management, so I suggest you take the time to learn, too. An excellent starting point is my Financial Independence Series.
On the other hand, if he simply wanted money, not the guidance that would come with it to prevent this from happening again, then I would hesitate to support him financially. Before I use my money to help someone financially, I want to know quite a lot about their finances; otherwise, this is the beginning of a long-running financial dependency. Offer help only if they are willing to help themselves by learning more about money management.
Supposing he does want to learn, my next suggestion is to help him think longer term so that he is not caught out again, resulting in you having to step up and cover costs. Again, it comes back to basic budgeting and knowing what you earn, what bills you have to pay, and what you have left over. Helping him allocate that gap to sinking funds and an emergency fund will make him feel more in control.
If, after budgeting, he realises that he is simply not making enough money to cover his expenses, then there are two options: Cut his expenses or, preferably, earn more. It may be that he is new to the workforce, and with experience, his income will increase, so again, you go back to budgeting and living below his means until his income comes up.
Or, it may be that he has reached the pay ceiling with this job, in which case, as his parent, I’d support and encourage him to pick up a second job, further his education and, therefore, his employability, and find a higher-paying job.
Ultimately, you know that your money is never truly ‘done’. It requires a bit of attention, often. I know many people who have a monthly finance meeting with someone else, whether it’s a spouse, a parent, or a good mate. This is an opportunity for both individuals to review the past month and plan for the one ahead. Inevitably, questions will arise during this monthly check-in, and that’s how we all continue to learn and grow with our finances.
As a parent myself, if I knew that my adult child was trying their absolute best to budget and manage their money, increase their income, etc, yet they still bumped up against some financial problems, then yes, I would consider offering financial support to get them through this sticky patch. Parenting doesn’t stop the day they leave home, including providing financial support from time to time when needed.
Got a burning money question for Ruth? Send them through to [email protected]!
Ruth blogs at thehappysaver.com all about how she and her family handle money. What’s the secret? Spend less than you earn, invest the difference, avoid debt and budget each dollar that flows through your hands. She firmly believes that if you can just get the basics right, life becomes easier from there on in.
