Hi Ruth,
My mother passed away a few years ago, and recently, my father’s health has taken a turn. Nothing nefarious; it’s just old age. However, as my father’s health continues to decline, I find myself increasingly anxious about the financial aftermath of his passing. Not only am I emotionally unprepared to have lost both of them, but I’m also unsure about how to handle the financial responsibilities that will come with it. What practical steps should I take to ensure financial stability during this challenging time and beyond?
Talk to him. A little and often. Starting today.
My situation is very similar to yours, and I am happy to share how that has been working.
In my case, I broached the subject with my Mum after my Dad had passed away. Throughout their marriage, he had handled most of the finances. Once he became ill, my Mum started to take over, and this meant she had a reasonable understanding of her financial situation, which was relatively straightforward. I broached the subject of money with her by saying something along the lines of, “I love you, and I want the best for you; I enjoy working on my finances and would like to come alongside you and help you with yours.”
While some parents might say, “Back off, I’m all good, thanks”, my Mum was pleased to be asked and said she would contact me if and when she needed me. This opened the door to further conversation where I said that I understand that money is personal, but I also gently explained that my own family wants to help out if and when required and that my husband and I have discussed how we could help if she needed us to.
I explained that in order for us to position ourselves well to help her and still juggle all the other financial things we have going on in our home, it would be helpful to know what her current financial situation is. And then, we can adjust ours accordingly. I framed it as all of us positioning ourselves financially to face the years ahead.
During my father’s illness, there was a lot of change, including Mum moving to a more manageable house, and my siblings and I all stepped up to do whatever she needed. Therefore, it felt natural that discussing her money was part of a bigger picture and that our interest in it was purely to make sure she had it in hand. It is very important to me that she knows I’m here to help manage her money in precisely the way that she wants it managed. I’ll offer my expertise to help her do what she wants to do, but I won’t tell her what to do, and I certainly won’t be trying to change her habits of a lifetime.
The first thought that goes through many people’s minds when it comes to asking a parent about money is ‘inheritance’. The parent doesn’t want people coming after their money, and the child doesn’t want the parent to think they are after their money! But I want you to understand that this is not what it’s about at all. I was able to convey that none of us are waiting to inherit, and none of us want to influence what she chooses to do with her money in order for us to inherit. Instead, much like we help her navigate her health, housing and other needs, we want to help her manage her money too.
The thought of walking in step with my Mum was essential to me, and every time she needed my help, I was straight on it. These days, Mum has settled into a pattern of spending that is gently using up all that she has, and she continues to budget and live within the income she makes, drawing on her savings whenever she needs to. It is her money, and she is in charge, we just help her with it. As time has progressed, we have gone on to learn together about the legalities of how we will support her if she cannot make decisions for herself, and with the help of a lawyer, we have helped get the proper procedures in place.
We have also talked about her will, which is up to date. From a practical point of view, I asked her what her wishes were in her will simply because we each want to carry them out and to have that conversation with her when she is alive makes it far easier to do. Also, my thinking was that if there were going to be any ‘surprises’, speaking to her and getting some context around them would be helpful. But also, at the end of the day, regardless of my feelings about them, whatever her wishes were, that is exactly what we would do.
From these conversations, my siblings and I have found practical ways to help out in all aspects of her life. We each play a part, sharing the load, none of us having any more authority than the other. I think this works well, as everyone knows what is going on. Anytime she strikes a problem that she can’t solve herself (and she still very much wants to solve it herself), she will call on one of us. I’ll often help her with money problems, such as paying invoices online. This has meant I have access to her banking, but coming back to our original conversation, Mum’s in charge, and only when I’m asked do I engage with her bank.
Another essential consideration is communication with siblings and any other relatives with a very close relationship with your father who are likely to be affected financially upon his passing. I’m aware of issues that can arise between family members when it comes to money, so, with my mother’s permission, I share anything significant with them so that there can never be any question of my integrity. While not shouting your parents’ financial position from the rooftops, transparency is incredibly important, and if there is any hint of scandal or doubt, pick up the phone and talk about it.
As I worked with my mother and my siblings, I relayed the situation back to my husband, and we talked things through. But one thing that I’m aware of, and you might like to keep this in mind too, is that although my husband is my sounding board, and I value his opinion, too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth, so he doesn’t get to chip in his two cents directly. No spouse does. The same is true for his parents. One day, when the time comes, I’ll support him, to do what he thinks is best for them.
Above all, I discuss financial matters to let her know that I’m here to help her navigate and manage her money today, as per her directions and wishes. And then, after she is gone, my family and I will help carry out her wishes and see her belongings and estate dispersed precisely according to her will. It gives her peace of mind knowing that there is a plan in place, and it gives me immense peace of mind knowing that I will at least know what to do, financially speaking, when she is gone. Which lets me put all my time and effort into where it needs to go, dealing with my emotions and coping with her loss.
Got a burning money question for Ruth? Send them through to [email protected]!
Ruth blogs at thehappysaver.com all about how she and her family handle money. What’s the secret? Spend less than you earn, invest the difference, avoid debt and budget each dollar that flows through your hands. She firmly believes that if you can just get the basics right, life becomes easier from there on in.
